Content warning: suicidal thoughts, disordered eating, demons, depression
my eyes are filled with sand
I’m shaking from the inside out
still don’t know why I can’t just sleep forever
and the night is black and soft, a refuge for weary souls
silence has come at last, the last true gift of a heartsick God
if freedom had a home, it’d be this empty world
with mankind all abed, the demons gather close
they know my name, they’ve caught my falling tears
in this, their last true home, they welcome me
their blood-red hearts and my bloodshot eyes
both pay heed as the moon falters in the sky
hold me a little tighter, I’m not afraid
shield my eyes, surely the world can’t end
don’t tell me what my heart desires, we’ll pretend
when the moon tumbles down, you can rejoice
and I’ll hold your hand, I love you so
once again the world will end
my eyes will open on the hell I’ve earned and
it’s 5:30 but do I remember how to breathe?
my fingers are numb
wish I had never remembered who I am
the sun weren’t so bright, it hurts my head
but maybe today I won’t be so stupid
maybe today I won’t destroy everything I touch
and the sky is a symphony for the joyful, the blessed elect
this dirt a mocking prison for sinners, escape, run, you’ll never escape
but they try and try, sinking deeper, deeper
the bleeding heart by the crossroads
the aching hands by the graveyard filled with flowers
the blood, seeping between my floorboard cracks
the sun is shining, flowers blooming
a man is screaming, his children crying
censure pouring from angry eyes fuels the terror in my heart
what if I never escape?
where would we run? where would we hide?
who would I hold when I’m scared for my life?
I tried and they hate me for it
now I know it never really mattered what I
it’s not even lunchtime and my heart is broken
my head is truly aching
when will this be over?
I’ve been hiding
no one will find me because no one’s looking
I haven’t eaten today
nobody cares, so I don’t either
and I wish I could see the sky, but my eyes are closed
is there a candle burning somewhere in this brilliant light?
I hope it doesn’t know that it’s wasting its time
I hope it doesn’t know how angry I am
I hope it doesn’t know I haven’t hoped in months
it can be brave for all of us, though we won’t see
the one thing left to angry, hopeless people is themselves
and who deserves pain more than me?
let’s make it slow, make it bitter
I wonder if my demons will weep or
if they’ll laugh like they do at every poor fool
who tried to live in the light and went blind
in the end, they alone understand
and in the end, I still don’t care
it will hurt, like it’s always done
I’ve been hiding
soon there will be nothing to hide
I look determined, I look pale
this may be the last time I see myself
do I just feel sick because I haven’t eaten?
surely it’s nothing more
I’m no coward
what do I say? what do I think?
I’m choking on my tears, wishing I had been someone else
there’s only silence in this broken mind of mine
should I wait one day more? I’m afraid
can you rescue me? is it too late?
come quickly; it will be soon