Blinding

Content warning: suicidal thoughts, disordered eating, demons, depression

4:15 a.m.

oh God

my eyes are filled with sand

I’m shaking from the inside out

still don’t know why I can’t just sleep forever

and the night is black and soft, a refuge for weary souls

silence has come at last, the last true gift of a heartsick God

if freedom had a home, it’d be this empty world

with mankind all abed, the demons gather close

they know my name, they’ve caught my falling tears

in this, their last true home, they welcome me

their blood-red hearts and my bloodshot eyes

both pay heed as the moon falters in the sky

hold me a little tighter, I’m not afraid

shield my eyes, surely the world can’t end

don’t tell me what my heart desires, we’ll pretend

when the moon tumbles down, you can rejoice

and I’ll hold your hand, I love you so

once again the world will end

my eyes will open on the hell I’ve earned and

oh God

it’s 5:30 but do I remember how to breathe?

my fingers are numb

wish I had never remembered who I am

9:45 a.m.

I wish

the sun weren’t so bright, it hurts my head

but maybe today I won’t be so stupid

maybe today I won’t destroy everything I touch

and the sky is a symphony for the joyful, the blessed elect

this dirt a mocking prison for sinners, escape, run, you’ll never escape

but they try and try, sinking deeper, deeper

the bleeding heart by the crossroads

the aching hands by the graveyard filled with flowers

the blood, seeping between my floorboard cracks

we tried

the sun is shining, flowers blooming

a man is screaming, his children crying

censure pouring from angry eyes fuels the terror in my heart

what if I never escape?

where would we run? where would we hide?

who would I hold when I’m scared for my life?

I tried and they hate me for it

now I know it never really mattered what I

I wish

it’s not even lunchtime and my heart is broken

my head is truly aching

when will this be over?

3:26 p.m.

I’ve been hiding

no one will find me because no one’s looking

I haven’t eaten today

nobody cares, so I don’t either

and I wish I could see the sky, but my eyes are closed

is there a candle burning somewhere in this brilliant light?

I hope it doesn’t know that it’s wasting its time

I hope it doesn’t know how angry I am

I hope it doesn’t know I haven’t hoped in months

it can be brave for all of us, though we won’t see

the one thing left to angry, hopeless people is themselves

and who deserves pain more than me?

let’s make it slow, make it bitter

I wonder if my demons will weep or

if they’ll laugh like they do at every poor fool

who tried to live in the light and went blind

in the end, they alone understand

and in the end, I still don’t care

it will hurt, like it’s always done

I’ve been hiding

soon there will be nothing to hide

I look determined, I look pale

this may be the last time I see myself

8:53 p.m.

oh God

do I just feel sick because I haven’t eaten?

surely it’s nothing more

I’m no coward

what do I say? what do I think?

I’m choking on my tears, wishing I had been someone else

there’s only silence in this broken mind of mine

oh God

should I wait one day more? I’m afraid

can you rescue me? is it too late?

come quickly; it will be soon

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