it’s dark. again.

It’s back.

The creepy-crawlies up my spine, the pressing weight upon my brain, the vise upon my neck.

I fall asleep while the sun still shines outside, because I swear my windows don’t let it in. You say it’s shining, you think I’m crazy, and I’d love to argue, but you’re right. I’m going crazy again and the first way I can tell is that the sun won’t shine.

Humility and I, we’ve never been friends, but as the darkness binds around my chest, desperation sinks in, and I’m begging everyone I see to love me. I’ll dance for you, I’ll sing for you, I’ll comfort all the worries in your heart, just please please please notice me. Look in my face and decide I’m worth your time. My shoulders are shivering and I’m choking on shame. This isn’t who I am, I moan through a flood of tears. But I’m begging you, I have no pride (and you know me, I’m proud). I’m throwing myself at your feet because I need someone to see me and choose me.

And no one will choose me. I crawl to God’s empty throne and scream and scream. They won’t love me, no one will love me. Who am I if no one notices my existence? I’m begging God, asking for an answer, but heaven is silent. Where do I go when God is gone?

I slither inside the slimy recesses of my soul, revulsion gagging me. I grab fistfuls of the meaty interior of my ethereal soul and rip them out. If I am no one, I will make myself be no one.

What if God doesn’t come back in time?

What is wrong with me?

And one last time, I hate to beg, but would you please, could you please love me for just a moment? A few days, a week, I swear I won’t impose. Remind me what it’s like, I promise the memory will be enough.

Hurry, God, I feel myself folding in. The tears are rising, my soul is shrinking.

It’s back, and I remember that I never knew how to win.

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